


Da BAU Buddies!!

by stupidlilartist



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Cussing, F/F, M/M, Sexual References, criminal minds text fic, eventual jemily, eventual moreid, gay? a little bit, weird conversations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27662701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidlilartist/pseuds/stupidlilartist
Summary: In which Garcia adds her BAU teammates into a groupchat with each other.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & The BAU Team, David Rossi & The BAU Team, Derek Morgan & The BAU Team, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Emily Prentiss & The BAU Team, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & The BAU Team, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia & The BAU Team, Spencer Reid & The BAU Team
Comments: 30
Kudos: 188





	1. spencer used da smiley face

**Saturday, 11:09 pm**   
**babygirlgarcia has added ssaaaronhotchner, ssadavidrossi, jenniferjareau and three others**

**Aaron Hotchner** : Garcia. What is this

**babygirlgarcia changed the group name to Da BAU Buddies!!**

**emily** : what a cute name. why was this gc made? 

**garcia** : because i love you all and wanted to have a nice big fun groupchat for things that aren't work related

**David Rossi** : Garcia, you overestimate my abilites to even work Instagram. 

**garcia** : you're doing just fine, spaghetti man

**Aaron Hotchner** : I approve of this groupchat as long as we refrain from using it during cases.

**garcia** : sir, if anybody disobeyes your commands, they will be removed from the groupchat with no hesitation!

**spencer reid** : my phone has never gone off this many times at once before

**emily** : so, what is everybody doing on this fine saturday evening?

**garcia** : wondering where my sweet chocolate thunder is

**Aaron Hotchner** : I'm relaxing for once in my life.

**David Rossi** : I'm not doing anything

**spencer reid** : morgan has a little date tonight, garcia. probably why he hasn't shown up

**emily** : ooo, a date

**JJ** : She finally did it! Garcia made the groupchat!

**garcia** : wooo! ALSO WHAT

**garcia** : MY LOVE IS ON A DATE WITH A GIRL?!?!

**David Rossi** : Uh oh

**JJ** : I'll go put on the coffee

**spencer reid** : well, it's not necessarily a date. it's more of a 'girl comes to morgan's apartment and when she leaves they never speak again' type of scenario. you know, people have a 30% chance of catching an std through each person they have a one-night stand with

**Aaron Hotcher** : This conversation is heading into a bad direction

**emily** : i like the direction this conversation is going

**David Rossi** : How do you know that, Reid?

**garcia** : how do you know in such a detail what morgan is doing tonight

**spencer reid** : i read it somewhere in college. also, i know what morgan is doing because he tells me practically everything... even when i don't want to know

**emily** : i thought it was obvious that morgan was a whore

**JJ** : I agree with Emily

**garcia** : tbh i'm not sure how to process this information. but also tbh i am not surprised

**David Rossi** : Who is surprised? The man takes every chance he gets to talk to a random pretty girl he sees. And somehow he get's every girl. It must be the eyebrows

**garcia** : it's because he's sexy, rossi

**David Rossi** : So am I but I don't end up with every girl I see.

**Aaron Hotchner** : You have three ex-wives.

**JJ** : You definitley propose to every girl you see

**emily liked "You have three ex-wives."**

**emily liked "You definitley propose to every girl you see"**

**emily** : SFJLKDFJSHKDS

**David Rossi** : And they say yes. What was that, Emily?

**emily** : it's called a key-smash. it's what the gay's use to show that they are laughing

**garcia** : reid and i are sexy as well but we have just about 5 partners added up in total for the both of us

**spencer reid** : i don't believe 'sexy' should be a word to describe me

**garcia** : have you ever looked in a mirror

**David Rossi** : Garcia, stop flirting with your man's best friend

**garcia** : i'm not flirting, it's basic knowledge that reid is sexy

**Derek Morgan** : Pretty Boy, why do you think I call you Pretty Boy?

**spencer reid** : because i'm pretty :)

**emily** : reid using a smiley face made me smile. i have been motivated to open some wine

**JJ** : Spence using a smiley face makes me feel so content with life

**garcia** : AYO, SPENCER USED DA SMILEY FACE

**Derek Morgan** : Yes, Pretty Boy, because you're pretty 

**David Rossi** : So it went from Garcia flirting with Morgan, to Garcia flirting with Reid, to Reid and Morgan flirting with each other. Aaron, write this down, I can't keep up.

**Aaron Hotchner** : Leave me out of this.

**garcia** : REID AND MORGAN SITTING IN A TREE??

**JJ liked "REID AND MORGAN SITTING IN A TREE??"**

**emily liked "REID AND MORGAN SITTING IN A TREE??"**

**Derek Morgan** : Woah, woah, I am not flirting!

**spencer reid** : what does that even mean

**JJ** : Yeah, yeah, whatever, Morgan, get back to your hook-up

**Derek Morgan** : It's already over, that's why I'm here

**emily** : i'm back to say that i've got some wine

**David Rossi** : Don't drink too many glasses.

**emily** : ok, dad

**garcia** : emily, my precious, drink as much as you want <3

**David Rossi** : You say that until you find out she has irreversible liver damage

**garcia** : emily, my precious, please control yourself <3

**emily** : im going to run a bath and decide whether or not i will control myself tonight. might get into something crazy. 

**garcia** : i wanna do something crazy

**JJ** : Me too. Like, playing Cards Against Humanity type crazy. Not rob a bank crazy.

**emily** : not sure which crazy im going tonight. could be both. could be something in between

**Aaron Hotchner** : I'm putting this down in your file

**garcia** : that just proves that emily is a good time

**JJ liked "that just proves that emily is a good time"**

**David Rossi** : She can be a pain in the ass sometimes.

**Derek Morgan** : This is true

**emily** : this isn't the proper way to talk shit, guys 

**Aaron Hotchner** : I'm starting to dislike the idea of a groupchat


	2. itchy pp

**Da BAU Buddies!!**

**Sunday, 1:09 am**

**garcia** : which one of my lovely furry friends are up?

**Aaron Hotchner** : I believe all of us are probably awake.

**David Rossi** : Aaron's right. Our sleep schedules are fucked up.

**Derek Morgan** : Hi Babygirl

**garcia** : hi my sweet chocolate thunder

**garcia** : i'm feeling very nice on this lovely sunday early morning

**emily** : i ended up not controlling myself with the wine and now i have bought myself ten pounds of butter 

**Aaron Hotchner** : I'm not sure how to reply to that.

**JJ** : Can I borrow some?

**emily** : if anybody needs butter just come to my place and i'll give you some

**garcia** : thank you for your service 

**JJ** : Thank you, Emily

**Derek Morgan** : Who needs that much butter?

**emily** : you should worry about those STDS rather than my butter 

**Derek Morgan** : ...

**garcia** : PFPWQPSAKOAOQPSOSKWJKSOAOWIIWOWOWOWKWKSKSOOSSOSOOWSOOSOSLSLSKAKSDJJDNENWJKWKSKSJWKWOOSKSSK

**Derek Morgan** : Emily Prentiss, I hate you 

**David Rossi:** That was funny, though.

**Derek Morgan** : Shut up Rossi

**David Rossi** : I think you people are scaring the kid

**spencer reid** : not scared, i just don't want to push myself into this weird conversation. besides, i'm reading edgar allan poe, which is a lot more interesting than this conversation about morgan 

**Derek Morgan** : Great, let's talk about poetry

**garcia** : fuck poetry 

**spencer reid** : how dare you 

**garcia** : i'm sorry i didn't mean it

**JJ** : I don't want to talk about poetry 

**emily** : what would you guys do with $200,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000?

**Aaron Hotchner** : Well, I wouldn't be working with you people.

**David Rossi** : Aaron loves you guys. 

**David Rossi** : I would continue doing what I do with that kind of money

**garcia** : i would build a super big pelican shelter 

**emily** : interesting...

**JJ** : How nice, Penelope. I would probably use that money to spoil Henry and buy a nicer house with Will. Probably buy a house in New Orleans, too

**spencer reid** : that much money doesn't exist in the world. if you had that much money, the economy would be destroyed 

**Derek Morgan** : Here goes Pretty Boy being literal

**spencer reid** : there is around $90.4 trillion in the whole world. the number emily listed is just about twice as big as that number. 

**David Rossi** : I was going to ask where you learned this but I will not ask.

**emily** : stop ruining my fun dr. reid

**garcia** : BOOOO REID BOOOOOOO

**Derek Morgan** : I'm starting a Spencer Reid hate club. Who wants to be in it?

**emily** : me

**spencer reid** : me

**Derek Morgan** : Oh

**JJ** : ...

**David Rossi** : Do you want to talk about it, kid?

**Aaron Hotchner** : This is why we don't make hate clubs for each other.

**spencer reid** : i am fine guys (:

**garcia** : he used a smiley face so i'm convinced 

**emily** : somebody please come to my apartment and drink wine with me

**garcia** : IM On my way! 

**JJ** : I have a child so... I can't just get up and leave 

**emily** : it's ok, jj. you can bring henry 

**JJ** : As much as Henry would love that, no. It's 1 in the morning

**spencer reid** : i would love to go to your apartment emily, unfortunately i'm caught up in reading

**emily** : it takes you like 5 minutes to read an entire book

**spencer reid** : there's a lot of books

**Derek Morgan** : I wanna go to your apartment Reid

**spencer reid** : no

**Derek Morgan** : Why

**spencer reid** : because i believe the word i said when you asked me to come over was "no"

**David Rossi** : It's passed your bed time, Reid, you're getting cranky 

**spencer reid** : i'm not getting cranky

**Derek Morgan** : You're cranky 

**spencer reid** : i'm not even tired

**Derek Morgan** : Shhhh... just say yes to me coming over 

**spencer reid** : no

**emily** : you can come to my home but i've heard you can contract STDS by sitting on a toilet seat so you're not allowed to use my bathroom 

**JJ liked "you can come to my home but i've heard you can contract STDS by sitting on a toilet seat so you're not allowed to use my bathroom"**

**Derek Morgan** : AGAIN WITH THE STDS? WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM REID?

**spencer reid** : all i said was that you were gone for a one-night stand

**David Rossi** : And proceeded to tell us a fact about contracting STDs 

**spencer reid** : well i didn't know it would result in emily making fun of you

**JJ** : You at least use protection, right? 

**emily** : better be. stupid men think they can rely solely on their weak ass pull out game 

**David Rossi** : That's sounding a bit personal, Emily. Are you okay?

**spencer reid** : actually, 

**spencer reid** : i was going to tell you a statistic about that but it was a bit too inappropriate 

**Derek Morgan** : Reid is holding back on ruining our virgin ears. (sarcasm)

**spencer reid** : well it was more of the fact that it was too inappropriate to type 

**emily** : it's not personal, rossi, it's just my occasional misandry popping out

**emily** : i'm kidding, i don't hate men

**emily** : but will i ever pursue a relationship with a man ever again? no

**Derek Morgan** : Reid please tell the fact

**Aaron Hotchner** : Let's change the subject.

**Derek Morgan** : After Reid tells the fact

**spencer reid** : i was going to say that derek morgan is annoying 

**David Rossi** : Where is my Moreid list, I have to write this down

**JJ** : #Moreid

**emily** : moreid

**Derek Morgan** : ... Wtf 

**emily** : it's okay, morgan. i'm sure spencer doesn't want your chlamydia anyways

**Derek Morgan** : EMILY PLEASE

**Derek Morgan** : I DONT HAVE CHLAMYDIA 

**JJ** : I'm not convinced

**emily** : _@babygirlgarcia_ please hurry up. i'm bored 

**Aaron Hotchner** : She's driving, Emily. She better not reply 

_babygorlgarcia is typing..._

**Aaron Hotchner** : ...

**babygorlgarcia has left the chat, giving admin rights to drspencerreid**

**Aaron Hotchner** : Why wasn't I given admin rights?

**spencer reid** : i am worthy 

**Aaron Hotchner** : And I can fire you.

**drspencerreid has given admin rights to ssaaaronhotchner**

**David Rossi** : Okay? And my admin rights as well?

**emily** : i believe i deserve admin rights

**Derek Morgan** : No you don't

**emily** : shut up itchy pp 

**Derek Morgan** : WTF

**JJ has liked "shut up itchy pp"**

**JJ** : Dont make me laugh too hard, Emily. Henry is sleeping

**emily** : i'm sorry. i saw an opportunity and i took it

**Aaron Hotchner** : The next person to be mean is getting removed. 

**emily** : ok...

**Private DMs between ssaemilyprentiss and ssaderekmorgan**

**emily** : itchy pp??

**Derek Morgan** : I'm fucking telling Hotch

**Da BAU Buddies!!**   
**Sunday, 1:20 am**

**Derek Morgan** : Hotch, remove Emily. She is cyberbullying me

**ssaaaronhotchner has removed ssaemilyprentiss**


	3. gayciadar

**Da BAU BUDDIES!!**

**Sunday, 3:33 am**

**ssaaaronhotchner has added ssaemilyprentiss**

**ssaaaronhotchner has added babygirlgarcia**

**Aaron Hotchner** : Have you learned your lesson, Emily?  
  
**emily** : fck yr leson

 **David Rossi** : Emily... You alright?

 **garcia** : woooowin a[rj

 **Derek Morgan** : I-

 **Derek** **Morgan** : They're drunk

 **emily** : shut thefuck up i have bigger bde than oyu

 **Derek Morgan** : NO YOU DON'T?

 **emily** : yes yoi do

 **garcia** : send noods we'll ave a competition

 **Aaron Hotchner** : Do you two want to be removed from the groupchat?

 **spencer reid** : what is going on? go to sleep

 **emily** : i'll slep when i want TWINK

 **Derek Morgan** : HAHA

 **David Rossi** : Emily -

 **spencer reid** : what is a twink

 **Derek Morgan** : AAHAHHAAHAHA

 **David Rossi** : Spencer -

 **spencer reid** : is it bad? should i not have asked?

 **emily** : a twink is you you are atwink

 **Derek Morgan** : You shouldn't have asked, pretty boy. But if you really want to know, look it up

 **JJ** : SPENCE DO NOT LOOK IT UP I'M BEGGING YOU

 **spencer reid** : i looked it up and - 

**spencer reid** : i don't say this often but -

 **spencer reid** : what in the everlasting fuck?

 **David Rossi** : Woah, woah, woah!

 **David Rossi** : You're not allowed to cuss!

 **spencer reid** : i'm an adult and i believe this is an appropriate time to cuss

 **emily** : THW TWINK CUSSED

 **JJ** : Emily, you and Penelope should get some rest. 

**emily** : oka anything fro you mwah

 **emily** : goodnight

 **JJ** : Goodnight:)

 **garcia** : emioly is gay

 **Derek Morgan** : We know, gorgeous

 **David Rossi** : It's obvious.

 **garcia** : who else is gay?????/

 **Aaron Hotchner** : Oh for God's sake, I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

 **David Rossi** : Goodnight, Aaron.

 **garcia** : gasp

 **garcia** : rossi and hotch>?

 **spencer reid** :... they just said goodnight to each other

 **JJ** : Garcia's gaydar is up and active

 **garcia** : it's called a... gayciadar HAHAHKDSALADASDA{"PASs

 **Derek Morgan** : ...

 **JJ** : Ahem

 **David Rossi** : Wow, I am laughing so hard I think I may throw up

 **garcia** : i'm so funny

 **Aaron Hotchner** : GO. TO. SLEEP!

_Read By babygirlgarcia, ssajenniferjareau and 3 others._

_3:45 am_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! sorry for the short chapter


End file.
